Control is an Illusion
by Koji Inari
Summary: Cloud is stuck in an abusive home, but when he retaliates and accidently kills his stepfather, he turns to his best friend Leon for help. Yaoi, rape, and a crap load of other things [CLOUD X LEON]COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

-1**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything connected to Kingdom Hearts

**Music: **AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37

**Rating**: M

**Warnings: **Yaoi, rape, drugs and alcohol, masochism, and a crap load of other stuff. If you don't like angst, don't read this.

**Author's Note**: Yes, I am starting another story, yes, I haven't updated in quite a while, yes, I have strep throat, yes, I have depression. No, this has never happened to me. If you have any other questions just ask.

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**Control is an Illusion**

I guess you could say I'm a masochist, though I don't cut myself. Pain isn't something I truly enjoy, I cry as much as the next guy when I break my arm. But I love to feel miserable. Call me emo, but feeling depressed is one of the greatest pleasures in the world. Feeling worthless and sad, seeing dark things in everything beautiful, seeing that bad hidden in the good, it makes me feel so much better. Because, it lets me know that I'm not the only scum on this earth.

It was dark, there were no lights on anywhere in the house, and the sun had receded hours ago. There was nothing for my eyes to see, it was totally pitch black. My mind felt at ease, no bothersome thoughts of what I got on my last test, or about whether my father would come home again, drunk. No thoughts about my mistakes or about the fight I barely escaped. Nothing, my mind was completely blank, just soaking in the peaceful darkness.

A sudden thump roused my thoughts. It was soon followed by a stream of curses and a slamming door, then a few more thumps. I winced with each new sound. I couldn't tell if they were coming toward me or not, whether my door would burst open and my nightmare would come back again. I waited with baited breath, praying to God that my door wouldn't open, and then the sounds receded, and I was doused in silence once more.

My heart was thumping loudly, making the blood in my ears pound. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity, not daring to move should I arouse his attention. Eventually I felt mildly safe, and I curled up under my blanket, my face shoved in my pillow. In time I drifted off into an uneasy sleep.

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Morning came all too soon. Light steamed in through cracks in the blinds, forcing me to wake up. I was one of those people who got up as soon as it got light. I crawled out of bed, shivering as the cold hit my bare chest. Somehow I managed to drag myself into my bathroom and lock the door. A quick look in the mirror showed dark rings under my eyes and mussed up hair. A thin sheet of sweat covered most of my body, the product of fitful nightmares and a heavy blanket. I sighed and turned away from the image, stepping into the shower.

The warm water felt good and made my mind go blank again. Not to think was pure bliss. Unconsciously I turned the water up, making it hotter. Steam rose off the bottom of the tub, swirling in intricate patterns as the air began to heat up. I sighed in relief, not noticing as the hot water began to scald my skin, turning it red.

From somewhere in my room I heard my alarm radio go off, announcing the weather. Grudgingly I finished up my shower and turned off the water. My bathroom was so filled up with steam I couldn't see very well, and I almost tripped over the rug. Eventually I got myself dried off and walked out into my room to change.

I stopped in my tracks as soon as I exited the bathroom. The door to my room was open, the lock broken. Slowly my eyes wandered over to my bed, and my spirit fell lower to see him sitting on my bed.

"You locked the door." he said, his luminescent green eyes wandering over my naked form. I started to back up into my bathroom again, but I knew that would only bring more punishment later.

"I didn't mean to-"

"Bullshit." I backed up, frightened by his voice. I had thought he would have still been in bed, sleeping off his hangover, but I had been wrong. I'd been careless to not bring my clothes into the bathroom so I could change. So now, as punishment, I was standing there in front of his predatory eyes, naked.

I didn't say anything more, I knew that would only make things worse. Fear grasped my heart when he suddenly stood up. He walked over to me at an agonizingly slow pace, finally coming to a stop right in front of me. He leaned over, his long silver hair brushing against my bare skin, and whispered into my ear. "You are nothing without me, don't forget that. As long as I'm here you're safe, but if you piss me off…" He let the threat hang in the air ominously.

I shivered, both from the cold and from fear. He was right, he was my only protection, my only support. But I hated him, I hated him more than anything. The way he touched me, the way he looked at me, the way he would make me beg him for things I didn't want, it made me sick. I would have like nothing better than to kill the bastard, but that would be a mistake.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, hoping he was in a good mood. If he were in a good mood I'd be spared some pain.

He grunted, running his eyes over my bare body once again. "Get ready for school. I don't want to have to deal with them calling me saying you're absent." He moved away from me, finally taking those piercing green off me. "And put on some clothes, it's too cold for you to be out here naked."

I collapsed to my knees when the door shut. He had left me alone for once, he hadn't done a thing. Adrenaline was pumping through my veins, making me tremble with pent up energy. Ghost pains flitted through my body, making me experience a little of what I had thought he'd have done. Eventually I amassed the courage to get ready for school.

When I left, there was no one at home.

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"Hey Cloud!" came Leon's voice. I looked up in time to see my best friend getting ready to go off to school on his motorcycle. I had to walk by his house on the way to school, and the fact that I had caught him made me happy.

"Give me a ride?" I asked, nodding toward his bike. He smiled and threw his extra helmet to me.

"Get on, I can get us there in five minutes."

"Five minutes?" I asked, suspicion in my voice. "You wouldn't happen to break any speed limits along the way would you?"

"Well duh, speed limits are for those pussys afraid to make the cops mad. Come on Cloud, I won't get caught."

I looked at him doubtfully, but if I rode with him I wouldn't have to walk to school. "Alright," I finally conceded. "Just don't kill me ok? I'd like to live a few more years." My response got a bark of a laugh from Leon, followed by his reassurances that he wouldn't do anything dangerous.

We go to school in a record 4 minutes, which of course made Leon want to brag. Every friend we met was forced to endure his speech of how he was "king of the road" and he could "out-race anyone". I of course, was used as proof of his amazing feat.

Eventually though he calmed down and I was granted the peace of not having to listen to him. We wandered the halls in the small amount of time we had before school started. Various other students lined the halls, all clustered in their little groups of friends talking about where they would go for lunch, or gossiping about who was dating who. It was nice to listen to the mindless babble of teenagers who had nothing of real importance on their minds.

"Are you listening to me? Hellooooo earth to Cloud. You alive?" Leon's gloved hand waved in front of my face, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"What?" I asked, glaring at my friend. He smiled and pointed over to a group of girls standing in the middle of the hall. The were standing in a circle, all wearing pink and carrying at least one purse. The clothes they wore were designer, and their bags alone were probably worth a couple hundred bucks.

"Prep squad." we both stated at once. Those girls were like hyenas, and I mean that literally. Hyenas are dominated by the females in a hierarchy system. There was the top hyena, a ravenous bitch that would chew up and spit out any male. Unfortunately for me, that black widow of a girl had an attachment to me.

"Let's split, I don't want to be around when they notice me." Leon nodded in agreement and we scooted off down a side hall. Once we were sure that we were a safe distance away Leon let out a laugh.

"Any other guy would pay a million dollars for a chance to go out with her, yet you avoid her like the plague."

"Well no duh. She's a man eater I swear, besides, I could never be with a girl that shallow, I mean come on, she'd date any guy in this school if he had enough money or the right looks."

Leon snorted. "Whatever man, I think you should just do it, you know, you haven't had a relationship in….ever."

I managed to glare at Leon without him noticing. "You know I can't have a relationship Leon…if Sephiroth knew…"

"Screw Sephiroth." Leon growled, apologizing when I winced. "I mean, that bastard's been making your life hell ever since your mother died. I say run away, come live with me or something."

"Thanks for the offer." I replied. "But no thanks. The second I come over to your house you can expect him to burn it down. I'm sorry Leon, I'm stuck with him and there is nothing I can do about it."

"Can't you call like, those child abuse people or something? I mean, you can't just sit there and let him do this to you."

"Oh really, and what happens when they throw him in jail? What happens to me then huh? I'm too young to live on my own and there is no way in hell I'm going to travel back and forth between foster homes that can't handle someone like me." Leon started to respond but I stopped him with a glare. "Drop it Leon, I'll see you at lunch." As if on cue, the bell rang, and I turned away from my best friend to go to class.

I came to school to forget, but everyone continually reminds me.

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Poor Cloud, I hope this comes across as angst, because I want it to. This will probably be the first story I've written that I actually consider to be angst, though many I've made have had the intention of being angst….anyways, I hope you enjoy!

R&R


	2. Chapter 2

-1**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything connected to Kingdom Hearts

**Music: **AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37 (I love this song…)

**Rating**: M

**Warnings: **Yaoi, rape, drugs and alcohol, masochism, and a crap load of other stuff. Cloud gets raped in this chapter, but I will have it clearly marked so if you want to skip it you can.

**Author's Note**: It seems like I start so many things and never finish the others…in any case I promise to get back to the others stories soon! Really, I promise. Also, it was pointed out to me that , yet again, I spelled Sephiroth's name wrong. I corrected it though so it's all good now.

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**Control is an Illusion**

My classes were boring, as usual. English was too easy, Art was uninspirational, TV was just another period of wandering the halls taping water fountains and ditching teenagers, Lunch was filled with happy mindless chatter about kid stuff, Chemistry was full of things I couldn't understand, Calculus I slept, and Government we had a test I never finished. I'd say the highest point of the day was sleeping through my 6th hour, at least I got some peaceful sleep. Now I could go home and face the same thing I always did, and if I was lucky, Sephiroth had drank himself into a stupor and was lying in a ditch somewhere with his throat slit and all his money gone.

I started home when Leon pulled out in front of me on his bike. He gave me one of his classic smiles and motioned for me to get on. I shook my head. "Sorry Leon, I don't want to get home early."

"You don't have to," Leon replied, motioning for me to get on once again. "I'm taking you out for food, come on."

"Is that an invitation to a date? Why Leon, I didn't know you were gay."

Leon frowned at this and growled at me. "I'm not asking you on a date stupid, I'm taking you away from that home of yours for an hour or so. Besides, Axel will be there, and so will Sora and Riku, you haven't seen them in forever, come on."

I frowned and weighed my options. Sephiroth usually didn't get home till later in the day, so I had a few hours open, what could it hurt? But then again, if I went, and Sephiroth got home early…

"Alright, I'll go."

Leon smiled and threw me a helmet. "Get on, we don't have all day."

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I almost passed out on the way to the mall. Leon drove like a maniac, weaving in and out of traffic at 80 mph or more. He was a moron when it came to driving, and I wanted him to slow down, but I was too scared that if I told him to I'd distract him and we'd end up road kill.

Finally we arrived at the mall. I got off the bike and almost fell over. My legs felt like water and my stomach felt as if it had wiggled its way up into my throat. Leon caught me and helped me stand up straight.

"Whoa Cloud you ok? You seem a little pale."

"Yeah…I'm fine, I just saw my life pass before my eyes! Damn, I'm going to take this bike away from you before you kill yourself, and someone else!"

"Heh, calm down. I'm not that bad of a driver."

"Say that to my stomach."

"CLOUD!!!"

"Eh?" I looked up to see a pint-sized brunette come out of nowhere and glomp me, knocking me back onto the pavement. "Ow…Sora? Have you gained weight?" I looked at the bouncy brunette sitting on my chest.

"That's rude, I have not gained weight!" Sora glared at me and stuck his tongue out.

"That's nice, now can you please get off my chest before my ribcage collapses?"

Sora growled and pulled himself off my chest. "Don't be so grumpy Cloud, I haven't seen you in like, forever you know?" He looked around then looked back down at me. "Come on, move your ass, Axel and Riku are waiting!"

"I'm up I'm up, don't worry about if I broke anything or not…" Sora rolled his eyes at my response and grabbed my hand, dragging me toward the entrance to the food court.

"Hurry up! You're too slow!."

Eventually we made it over to the food court. Axel and Riku were sitting at a table with a crap load of food in front of them. Inwardly I smiled, they knew I was coming. I always ate a lot when I ate out, that would be Sephiroth's fault, he never let me eat much at home.

Riku cheered up as Sora approached them. He jumped up from his seat and ran over to greet the bouncy brunette by glomping him. "You took too long! I've been forced to sit here and listen to Axel talk on and on about your cousin!! I swear he won't leave me alone!!" Sora's cousin was Roxas, a boy who looked exactly like him except that he had blonde hair. Roxas's name even had all the same letters in it as Sora's name, except for the added x. Axel had been secretly trying to get Sora to hook him up with Roxas for almost a year now.

I just smiled and pretended I had no clue what anyone was talking about, my attention was on the food. Cheeseburgers, popcorn chicken, French fries, Chinese food, tater tots, soda, and more junk food was crammed onto the little table. My mouth was drooling at the thought of all that food.

Leon saw me drifting toward the junk food and reached out to pull me back. "Sorry Cloud, I'm not letting you near the food just yet, you'll eat so much we'll have to roll you out of here in a wheel barrow, if we can even fit you through the door."

I growled and pretended to bite Leon, he pulled back just in time, and in order to keep himself from falling, let go of me. I made a mad dash for the table and managed to snatch a cheeseburger before Axel tackled me to the ground. I landed with a loud "umph" and groaned as Axel's elbow caught me in the ribs, right where a large bruise Sephiroth had given me was.

Axel was laughing and pulled himself off me, he reached out to grab my hand and help me up, when he noticed that I hadn't yet moved. I lay there, squished cheeseburger in hand, holding my side in pain. "You ok?" he asked, worried that he had hurt me.

"Fine" I groaned. I tried to move to sit up, but when I did I found I couldn't breathe, so I collapsed again. By this time Riku, Sora, and Leon had all gathered around me. Leon squatted down and felt along my side near where Axel had hit me. He gasped as his fingers ran across a rather large bump, gingerly, he lifted my shirt up enough to see my ribs.

The whole side of me was black and blue and swollen, though it wasn't from Axel hitting me. It hurt like hell, and when Leon ran his hand gently over the bump I let out a gasp of pain. Even the slightest touch brought tears to my eyes.

"How long have you had this Cloud? It looks like someone beat the hell out of you." Leon's cool gaze moved from my ribs back up to my eyes. I hesitated to answer, but by the look in his eyes I could tell he knew. Riku looked at us worriedly, and Sora looked like he was going to be sick. Axel stood there with this stupid look on his face, the kind you see on a person who just saw their best friend get hit with a car.

"Is there a problem over here boys?" One of the fat old security guards had finally noticed that there was a crowd of teenagers surrounding a guy with a very big bruise. Aren't they observant? I sure feel safer with them protecting the mall from shoplifters and their ilk.

"No…I'm fine." I croaked, trying to force myself to get up. Leon gave me a warning glance not to move, but as usual, I ignored him. "I just fell is all."

The guard made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a cough before turning away from us, twirling that twig of a nightstick of his. "You should get that bruise checked out, it doesn't look healthy."

Mentally I laughed at his remark. Right, get this checked out, and they would ask what happened to give me this bruise, and no doctor in his right mind would believe me that I got it from being tackled by a guy who weighed a heck of a lot less than me.

When the security guard left I got up, with the help of Riku and Sora, who were careful not to touch the bruise on my side. I sat back in a chair and worked to regain my breath. Normally my bruises didn't hurt that bad, he must have hurt something internally more than usual.

"Cloud." Leon demanded. I glanced over to him to show I was listening, but I didn't like the seriousness in his eyes. "Cloud. Does Sephiroth beat you?"

It took a moment for me to answer. Leon was my best friend, I didn't want to lie to him, but then again, I couldn't tell him the truth, that yes, Sephiroth beat me, and he also did so much more. Leon thought Sephiroth was bad from what had told him, but he didn't even come close to knowing the true horror that awaited me nearly every night. I couldn't tell him, I was too ashamed, and too scared.

"No."

"Cloud…."

"I said no." My eyes relayed the message loud and clear. They said _'I'm not fooling around Leon, I won't tell you so don't press it.' _He understood, because he didn't press me for anymore questions, and neither did the others.

The rest of the time at the mall was carried out in almost silence. No one spoke, no one chattered about simple little things that teens chat about all the time. It was just quiet. You'd have thought I had died by the way they were acting. Finally, after not being able to take the silence anymore, I motioned to Leon that I wanted to leave.

We all said our goodbyes and Leon drove home slowly, taking the long way around.

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_**It gets graphic here people, Cloud is about to get raped, so if you are against that, or don't want to see Cloud tortured beyond what any living thing should be forced to endure than please skip this, just know that Cloud did get raped by Sephiroth.**_

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"You're late."

That fluid voice made me freeze as I opened the door. He was sitting in a chair, facing the front door, his eyes that clear glowing green, his hair hanging down, neat as always, though he never brushed it. He was angry, I could tell by his eyes, though his body language would have suggested he was completely calm.

"I went out with some friends. They bought me diner." I replied smoothly, laying my backpack by the door, I didn't shut it though, if he chose to become violent it would make it easier to run.

"A girlfriend?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No, just Leon."

"You're too friendly with that boy. Don't fall for him, I won't have a fag son running around this house."

'_You should be the one to talk you bastard' _I thought, though I kept my opinion to myself. I only nodded in response.

Any other person would have thought this was a gruff, but fairly normal conversation. That was, unless they saw those eyes of his. Those predatory eyes. Those eyes haunted my dreams, they seemed as if they could pierce right through you, as if they could see into your soul, revealing everything bad you had ever done. They made me insecure, they made me scared, they made me sick.

"Shut the door, it's too cold to let the heat out."

That was the order I had been waiting for. The moment the door was shut it would begin, just as it always did. My punishment. I always had punishment, it didn't matter if I had done anything wrong or not, if he didn't like the color of my socks he would punish me. Sometimes it was just a beating, just his punching me a few times. But if he was drunk…

I shut the door.

"Come here," he demanded. I didn't move at first, but slowly, surely, my feet moved toward him. If I didn't comply now it would only get worse later on.. I stopped a few feet in front of him, not daring to get any closer unless he told me to.

He stood up, his silvery hair shimmering in the dim light. I would remember the gleam of that hair for the rest of my life. I was captivated by it, like a child with a shiny penny. I watched that hair throughout the following events, because it was so easy to lose my mind and not think about the actions, to blot out those memories.

He pressed up against me, and I dared not move, his hand slid up my shirt, and I dared not shiver, he played with my body, and I dared not make a sound. My only reaction was an occasional hitch in my breath as his hand explored, crawling over past bruises and sensitive areas. He toyed with me, pushed me to he limit, all within a matter of minutes, long, silent, scary, minutes.

He was drunk, I could smell the alcohol on his breath from where I was, though he was so much taller than I. I had hoped that maybe, just maybe, he'd be sober tonight, so he could hit me, so he wouldn't see me as an object of lust, so he wouldn't rape me.

"You've been a bad boy…coming home late…I was worried about you…" Mistakenly I groaned as he pushed his hand hard against my bruise. My knees turned to water and I almost fell over, but I caught myself at the last minute. For my mistake, he pushed that spot harder, making tears come to my eyes. "I was afraid my little dog had run away, that I had lost my little girl…tell me…what are you?"

"Your bitch." I mumbled. It was the same act I had been through countless times, but it never got any easier to degrade myself.

"I can't hear you…" he growled, pinching a piece of bruised skin.

"Your bitch!" I practically yelled, more tears streaming to my eyes from pain and humiliation.

He nodded his head, satisfied by my answer. "And what does my little bitch want to do to me? What do you want to do to make your daddy happy?"

"I want…" I choked, but somehow I managed to swallow the bile rising in my throat. "I want to lick you."

He nodded again, satisfied with my answer. "I don't know if I should let my bitch lick me. It might not be to my liking. Does my little bitch really want to lick me?"

"Yes, I really want to lick you, please let me lick you."

"Very well, but only if my little bitch can be a good girl, then I'll let her have the treat and lick me."

He always did this, when he got into this mood he would call me 'his little bitch' and refer to me as a girl. It was if I was some sort of free prostitute for him, and if I didn't go along with it…if I didn't do exactly as he wanted…

Another pinch came on my sensitive bruise, I wasn't expecting it, and yelped in surprise. He got mad, he got very mad.

"Does my little bitch not like the attention she is getting? Does she not like it when I pet her?" Green fire glowed in his drunken eyes, he pushed, and I landed heavily on the tiled floor. Brokenly I whimpered and curled in on myself as a reflex. His foot connected to my stomach hard, and it took all I had not to scream out in pain. As it was I still spit out some bile and blood onto the floor.

"My little bitch isn't being very good today. She shouldn't misbehave, it will make me think that she should go to the pound."

The pound was bondage. He would lock me up, sometimes for a week, leaving me tied to the bed naked with nothing to eat or drink. He was constantly drunk, and he'd rape me, a lot, to the point where I would throw up repeatedly. When I got out of the pound, I was usually too weak to walk, and would have to spend the next day in bed.

"Does my little bitch want to go to the pound?"

I shook my head.

"Good, now get into the bedroom before I change my mind."

I didn't waste any time, I simply crawled as fast as my legs would carry me. I could already feel another bruise forming on my stomach where he had kicked me.

Once in the bedroom he forced me onto the bed and proceeded to take off my clothes, saying things like "My little bitch looks too hot in those clothes." Then he would stare at me, for minutes on end with those scanning eyes.

We finally got to the really dirty stuff, he wanted me to "lick" him like a dog. What he meant was to lick his dick. He would control my every movement, making absolutely sure that I didn't do anything he wouldn't like. When I messed up, he would hit me, usually on top of another bruise. I wouldn't have been surprised if some of my ribs were broken.

Finally he got tired of waiting. And now came the part that hurt the most. I could take being hit, I could take the mental breaking, but this….violation that he loved to drag out, it was far worse than all the rest. He took me, and placed me on my bruised stomach. Then, without lube or any kind of preparation, he'd enter me. But he'd enter slow, taking his time and dragging out the pain. Most people would think going slower would be less painful, but a quick thrust was always easier to take then the slow maneuvering into my body.

Angrily I gripped the sheets. Bile was rising in my throat, but I dared not struggle or make any noise.

Then he would start his slow methodical thrusts, never quite hitting that spot of pleasure, just leaving me to grind my teeth and endure the pain. He'd drag it out, going slow, making sure I felt him inside me, degrading me further. I blanked out sometime in there, not paying attention to the pain or the feeling of his body on mine. He smelled, no reeked, of alcohol, and soon that smell became ingrained in my senses.

Eventually he'd reach his climax, leaving me feeling like an empty shell. He rolled over and stare at the ceiling, panting heavily, until finally sleep overcame him.

Then I got up, careful not to disturb him, and collect my scattered clothes. I walked back to my room and locked myself in, where I went to the bathroom and retched several times, emptying all the food my friends had gotten me today into the sewers.

When I finally got to bed, I collapsed, and lay there, tears streaming from my eyes. Blood from some open cuts and my ass leaked out onto my sheets, but I didn't care, I was too exhausted and scared to care. All I could do was lay there and cry, cry until my eyes glued themselves shut, cry until I couldn't think straight, cry until I choked.

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Oh God…I was crying this whole….hour it took me to write the rape scene. I even ended up going and throwing up. I feel so sorry for Cloud…

Please R&R


	3. Chapter 3

-1**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything connected to Kingdom Hearts

**Music: **AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37 (I love this song…)

**Rating**: M

**Warnings: **Yaoi, rape, drugs and alcohol, masochism, and a crap load of other stuff.

**Author's Note**: Next chapter will contain blood and violence against Sephiroth, this is just between story. Next chapter will take a long time to write, I plan on it being as long as the last chapter or longer, probably longer, and you all can get your revenge on Sephiroth! (In case you cant tell, I really hate Sephiroth in general, so you can take this kind of as a character bashing, but oh well)

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**Control is an Illusion**

I awoke the next morning feeling sore. My whole body hurt, as if someone had hit me with a good sized truck and then proceeded to run over my mutilated form multiple times. My stomach hurt, my chest hurt, my head hurt, my _ass_ hurt, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, hell my _hair_ hurt! When I moved to roll over I felt a strange dry crackling near my buttocks, upon inspection, I found dried blood.

My cat, a beautiful silver tabby, jumped up onto the bed and approached me. He crawled over and nudged me gently with his nose, begging for attention. Grudgingly I patted him on the head till his little voice box emitted that motorboat noise. The sound of a cat purring always seemed to calm me down somehow.

Unfortunately, I couldn't pet him forever, and soon I forced myself to get up and ready for school. My mirror reflected an image I wasn't ready to see. Small cuts were all over my body, from Sephiroth's zipper hitting me, or from the rough treatment he had given me. There was also a rather large (as in the size of my whole mid-section) bruise on my stomach where he had kicked me. Dried blood lay in streams down my legs, and there was a nasty cut caked in blood on my forehead. Even darker rings than yesterday lined the undersides of my eyes, making me look like L from Death Note…

I didn't stop to think about how horrible I looked, nor about what might wait for me once I left the sanctuary of my room. All I knew was that I felt dirty, and I needed to take a shower before I left.

So take a shower I did. Tabby tried to climb in with me, he's a weird cat, but I pushed him out so I could be in peace. Unlike yesterday, when the water was hot, this water was ice cold. It made my skin go numb after a while, so I couldn't feel my bruises, so I couldn't feel any pain. It made me begin to forget everything.

When I climbed out of the shower I felt refreshed. Most of the blood had been washed away, and my skin was too numb from the cool for me to feel my bruises. I had thought ahead, and stored my clothes in the cupboard under the sink. I got dressed in my normal gothic clothes and laid my hand on the doorknob.

Tabby pushed against my leg and pawed at the door. He couldn't figure out why I wasn't moving, and he wanted out.

"Huh? …Oh, sorry Tabby…" I opened the door and stepped out into my empty bedroom. I didn't know why I had stopped at the door, it was just that a falsh of fear had shot through me, but fear from what?

I shrugged it off as nothing. I couldn't think about things like that, I would be late for school. Hurriedly I grabbed my stuff and turned to leave. Dad wasn't home, so I let Tabby out. If I didn't let him out now then the poor thing would be stuck in all day. Dad always forgot to let him out.

I met Leon standing outside his house on the way to school. Actually, it looked like he was waiting for me. He was standing with his back to me, his hands shoved into his hoodie as he paced back and forth. I called out to him to get his attention. "Hey Leon!"

Leon glanced up from his study of the ground. He looked worried and tired, as if he'd been up for a while. My smile quickly faded. "You ok?"

"Cloud can you come inside for a moment? I have someone here who wants to talk to you…"

Someone who wanted to talk to me? That was new, no one usually talked to me outside of school. "Sure," I replied.

Leon nodded and turned away from me, heading back into his house, I followed. Once inside I stopped, the person who wanted to talk to me was wearing a blue uniform, a police uniform.

I heard the door shut behind me and turned to see Leon lock it and lean against it, his arms crossed. "What?…" I asked, leaving the question hang in the air. Leon looked away, so I turned back to the police woman.

"Cloud?" she asked. I nodded and she continued. "I'm officer Brown. I got a report that you were the subject of an attack?"

I looked over at Leon for some sort of explanation, but he didn't seem to be able to look me in the eye, he was too busy studying the ground.

"I don't know what you are talking about." I answered.

"Let me phrase it this way Cloud…does your father hit you?"

I chuckled at this and smiled at her. "Hit me? Of course not, my dad can be disagreeable, but he isn't abusive."

Leon's eyebrows rose a few inches and he and officer Brown shared a confused look. Eventually officer Brown looked back over to me. "Um Cloud? Can you do me a favor and lift up your shirt?"

"Um sure…" I replied, not knowing where they were going with this. I reached down, my fingers hesitating a moment on the edge of my shirt, then pulled it up.

A couple of startled gasps came from Leon and the officer, so I looked down to see what was so horrible. My eyes widened at what I saw. Bruises covered my whole body, some new, some old. The largest one was on my stomach, the flesh was a deep purple-black tinged in yellow, it looked as if it were bleeding under the skin too.

"W-when did this happen??" I gasped.

Leon looked at me with confused eyes. "Cloud, most of these were on you yesterday…don't you remember?"

"Yesterday?" I asked. I tried to think back to remember, but everything came out blurry and out of focus, as if I had been drunk. Thinking too hard became painful. All I remembered clearly was a flash of silver. "I…I don't remember Leon…"

Officer Brown looked troubled. "Cloud…have you ever had memory problems? Maybe had amnesia sometime in the past?"

I shook my head. "No…why? Do you think there is something wrong with me?"

"Well Cloud…I don't know…maybe you should go to the hospit-"

"NO!" I was backing toward Leon before the officer could finish her sentence. "I'm not going to the hospital! You can't make me!"

"But Cloud please listen… some of your injuries could be serious I think.."

"No!! I said no!!!" I was desperate now, I wanted to leave, but Leon was blocking my way out, and he didn't look like he was moving.

"Cloud…" 

"NO!" I was scared. I didn't know what to do.

"Calm down just…"

"No!" I bolted. Leon didn't know what hit him as my fist connected to his face. He was knocked back onto the coffee table and I was out the door before anyone could blink. From somewhere behind me I heard Officer Brown yelling, but I kept running. I didn't know what was going on, I only knew that I was scared, and that I had to run.

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This is really short compared to my other chapters, but this is what I wrote in my math class today! WOOT! Anyways, I hope you are starting to understand what Cloud's problem is, and for those of you who want Sephiroth to get his heart cut out prepare for a very bloody next chapter. I advise those of you who are squeamish to not read the marked off sections in the next chapter, and prepare for the most graphic angst I've ever written.

R&R!


	4. Chapter 4

-1**Disclaimer**: I own Kingdom Hearts and am forcing them to recall the game so I can make it a Yaoi. Please lend your support by sending in your old copy so that we can send you a new one, thank you. (I wish )

**Music: **AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37 (Once again!)

**Rating**: M

**Warnings: **Yaoi, rape, alcohol, and a crap load of other stuff.

**Author's Note**: This chapter contains a lot of violence to a helpless kitty. Also, lots of blood.

Oh and I guess I should add that Sephiroth dies, but who really cares what happens to him? I'm more worried about the cat.

Sephiroth: you are so mean!!  
Koji: so?

Cloud: Yay! Sephiroth dies!

Sephiroth: -runs in a corner and cries-

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**Control is an Illusion**

I didn't go to school that next day. Instead, I wandered around town, carefully avoiding any streets where the cops might see me. I felt as if I were a criminal, and was skulking about away from my punishment. I'd done nothing wrong, at least, nothing that I knew of. But for some reason that thought didn't comfort me.

I felt confused and scared. My whole body was bruised up, and I was now aware of a dull ache in my movements. I had to have been hurt for some time with the condition I was in, but for the life of me I couldn't remember why or how I got beat up. It was as if my memories had grown wings and flown out the window.

Mt resting place wasn't very clean, just a dark alley, but it was dark, and quiet. I could think here.

I nodded off into that dream-like state you sometimes go into, you know, the feeling you get right before you go to sleep? It was relaxing, and it allowed me some time to think. Why I couldn't remember was beyond me. And why Leon had tried to stop me from leaving baffled me. Leon knew I hated hospitals, yet there he was trying to make me go to one. Ever since my mom had died I'd been scared of them…

And he called the police on me Were my bruises really bad enough to call the police Slowly I looked down and examined the bruises I could see. They were nasty, but as to how I had got them, or where I had gotten them I could only speculate. If I thought about it too hard it made my head hurt. It was as if some invisible force were blocking me from accessing my memories.

"Gahh!!" I cried, slumping down in defeat. "I'll never figure it out! Damn what is wrong with me?" I ran a nervous hand through my hair, and upon finding that it calmed me down, repeated the action several times.

"I give up." I mumbled. I plopped over so that my back was to the ground, and I was looking up into the sky. It was beautiful, a perfect blue without end, and without a cloud in the sky.

I snickered at the thought, not even the sky wanted me.

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_**WARNING: COMING UP IS THE SCENE WHERE THERE IS A LOT OF BLOOD AND OTHER NASTY THINGS. THERE WILL BE A MUTILATED CAT, AS WELL AS SEPHIROTH'S DEATH. HURRAY FOR A DEAD SEPHIROTH, I'M SURE YOU ALL WANT HIM TO ROT IN HELL FOR WHAT HE DID TO CLOUD.**_

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When I woke up it was dark. That light blue sky I had seen had by now turned purple-black, with little pricks of light here and there for stars. I was surprised no one had found me, but then again that made me happy, because right now I was free , and didn't have to answer to anyone. I could do what I wanted.

I wanted to go home.

But as to where my home was I wasn't sure. My house was not my home, I never really belonged there., yet the school wasn't really home either. _'Maybe my home is this alley.'_ I thought wryly. '_After all, it's the first bit of peace I've had in months.'_

The strangeness of that thought never struck me. I still could not recall anything that had happened to me in the last 24 hours, yet still I was dreading the trip to my house. Maybe it was because I knew inside what dad's reaction would be.

So I made my journey to my house. The car was parked in front of the garage, so dad was definitely home. It must have been nearly midnight if the dark was any way to tell time. And something in my mind warned me to stay away.

I ignored it. Instead, I opened the door to the house. Dad was nowhere to be seen. _'He's probably passed out'_ I thought.

I made my way over to my room, The light was off so I flipped the switch, but nothing happened.. I then remembered that I had turned the light off using the fan pull this morning, so if I wanted light I'd have to pull on that again.

That course of action was quickly dismissed. I didn't care if I could see or not, all I knew was that, despite my nap in the alley, I was tired.

I plopped down on the bed and prepared to fall asleep when, quite suddenly, I felt something wet and sticky against my neck.

'_What the hell?'_ I thought. I turned my head to see what it was, and felt my nose brush something furry.

"Tabby?" I inquired. The cat didn't respond. Normally he meows when I call out his name. Worried, I got up and pulled the pull on the fan for light.

I really wish I hadn't.

Tabby lay on my pillow, his head severed from his body and dripping blood. Parts of his body were skinned, the fur hanging off in long bloody sheets. His paws were cut and stripped so that they were only hanging on by a long this strand of tendon, his tail was snapped in several places, with the bone sticking out through the skin at weird angles. The whole body was torn up, with random stab wounds and cuts. The head was missing an ear, and his tongue hung out limply from the open mouth. Tabby's eyes were staring directly at me, as if accusing me. And in the middle of it all, sticking out at an odd angle from his ribs, was a butcher knife.

I fell to my knees, nausea building in my stomach. Tabby was my only ground to reality in this house, and seeing him so mutilated, it not only angered me, but finally made me snap.

Every single memory from every single rape came back and flooded my mind. Every time _he_ touched me. Every time _he_ hurt me. Every time that _he_ hit me, it all came back in a rush. All the sickness, anger, depression, frustration, worthlessness, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts, masochism, sadism, hurt , pain, hate, everything I had experienced, it all came back and settled itself in the pit of my stomach like a lead weight.

"The stupid cat brought it on itself. It was yowling at me to open the door and let it in. I couldn't take that awful racket, so I made it so he couldn't yowl anymore.

A shadow fell over me and I looked back behind me to see _him_ standing there. He smiled down at me with his sick, twisted, drunken smile, and those evil, horrid, green eyes. "See/ I took it out so he couldn't talk."

He dropped a handful of bloody mush into my hand. It was the contents of Tabby's throat, including his voice box.

My vision went red. I couldn't see, couldn't think, blind rage and hate coursed through my veins. I was dimly aware of pulling the knife out of Tabby's mutilated body. _He_ said something from behind me, I turned. He yelled. I thrust. He screamed. There was blood, lots of blood, leaking from his chest. A struggle, screams of pain, hatred. At some point I lost my mind. Then it was done.

---------------------------------------------

_**END OF THE SCARY STUFF.**_

---------------------------------------------

Leon looked shocked to see me at his door, so late at night, covered in blood, but he didn't say anything, he only opened the door and let me in. I didn't sit on any of the furniture, (I didn't want to get blood on it) so I just stood in the center of the room.

He was quiet the whole time he spent getting out clothes for me, and he didn't say anything to me after my shower. Something told me he was in shock, but my mind wasn't functioning enough for me to understand that thought.

Finally he broke the silence by looking at me and saying, "You snapped."

All I could do was nod. I felt sick, I felt ashamed, I felt worthless, but I also felt so damn good, because I was finally free.

Leon sighed and leaned back in his chair, starring at the ceiling. "Is he dead?"

"Yeah."

From somewhere in the hall came the tick-tock-tick of Leon's clock. The sound was comforting, and normal.

"You are hurt pretty badly.."

"Screw the small-talk Leon. I just killed my own step-father. Can you really call this murderer your friend?"

"If you hadn't done it I would have Cloud. I don't know what all he did to you, but from what I've seen.." he gestured toward my mid-section, "I'd say he almost killed you."

"You really care that much?" I growled. "Why? I'm moody, I'm hard to get along with, I'm quiet and reclusive, m always depressed, what in the name of God do you see in me that drives you to protect me?!?" My voice had grown stronger toward the end, and had risen to the point where I was shouting.

Leon crawled over to sit next to me on the couch. He sat there, looking from me to thte ground worriedly. "Cloud I…" he glanced up at me then away again. "There is something I need to tell you…"

"What?" I growled.

"I'm in love with you."

I swear my jaw dropped into my lap. "In love with me? You're…please tell me you're kidding!!"

Leon shook his head slowly and watched my eyes. "I'm not kidding Cloud, I love you, and it has torn me up to see you come to school every day looking a step closer to the grave. You don't realize it, but you act a little more lost each day. I knew it was Sephiroth doing it to you, though I didn't know what he was doing, and I hated him for it. I wanted to protect you."

I didn't know what to say. Part of me was repulsed by the fact that my best friend was in love with me, and part of me wanted me to love him back. Sephiroth had never loved me, and my mother had died when I was 6, leaving me with that monster, so whatever love she had shown me had been easily forgotten. To tell the truth, I was scarred of love, and scarred to love.

"Leon, I…"

"Shh…you don't have to say anything Cloud….it's ok…"

Those words. They were the words that I had wanted to hear so badly from someone, anyone. It's ok. It's ok to be frightened, it's ok to hate, it's ok to want to give up, it's ok to leave, it's ok to trust, it's ok to love.

From somewhere I felt a wet drop hit my leg. I looked down and noticed that it was one of many forming there. And the water was coming from my cheeks, no, my eyes. I was crying. I never cried in front of people.

Leon just hugged me. He didn't say anything about the crying, he didn't hit me, he didn't demand that I stop, he just held me. It felt safe, really safe, so I pushed against him, burrowing my head into his chest. I cried hard, loud and hard. Harder than I had ever cried in my life. I cried till I couldn't cry anymore, then choked on my own spit. My tears had made a large wet spot on his shirt, but he didn't care, he just pushed some of the hair out of my face gently as I clung to him, helpless as a child.

I looked up into his eyes. They were warm, not cold and distant like Sephiroth's. They were safe. I could be anything in front of him, and those eyes would accept it.

Tentatively I reached up, not daring to explore this unidentifiable territory. I wasn't sure if this was right, but I wanted to do it. I reached up till my face was in front of his, and I lightly pressed my lips to his in a gentle kiss. Not a lust-filled one like hose Sephiroth gave me, but a kind, loving one that conveyed my thanks, and my unspoken emotions.

And he kissed me back, pulling me tight against him in a warm embrace. The kiss was safe, and it didn't hurt, and there was no danger. It was all so easy, so simple, and so intoxicatingly lovely.

I spent the rest of the night in his arms, not willing to leave his side.

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Well Sephiroth is dead, but he continues to haunt our poor hero till the very end. Final chapter coming up next! Be prepared for, yet again, more angst!

Wow, this will be my first finished project that isn't a one-shot, and I did it in less than a week! Praise me! Bow down to me! Cry for my sick stomach after writing this! Or you can just review, your choice!.

R&R


	5. Chapter 5

-1**Disclaimer**: I own Kingdom Hearts and am forcing them to recall the game so I can make it a Yaoi. Please lend your support by sending in your old copy so that we can send you a new one, thank you. (I wish )

**Music: **AFI-Rabbits are Road kill on Route 37 (Once again!)

**Rating**: M

**Warnings: **Yaoi, rape, alcohol, and a crap load of other stuff.

**Author's Note**: This is the end, there is nothing more. I am done. This is the first fan fiction I have finished, and I can't think of a better piece of work I have produced. Please read and review, and I hope this might make you think a little clearer about death, though I am not sure. I love you all, you were a great audience, now please enjoy the final chapter.

Also, the poems at the end are mine, do not take them or I will severly hurt you, thanks.

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**Control is an Illusion**

My day started as it always did, with the simple act of waking up. The only difference was, when I woke up, I was in the warm protective arms of my best friend, who was still asleep. Leon looked quite peaceful, propped up against the pillows with his arms around me. He must have stayed like that watching me last night.

His peaceful demeanor was disturbed when his cell phone, which was laying on his desk, started ringing. He opened his eyes slowly, as if he were still asleep, and looked around dazedly. I smiled at him and he shook his head to clear his vision. It wasn't until then that he realized his phone was ringing.

He sighed and leaned over some, disturbing me from my resting spot against his chest, and picked up the phone, he checked the front then flipped it open and held it to his ear.

"Hello?…."

I watched him with bleary eyes. He looked to be concentrating on something in the corner of the room, but when I turned to look, I saw nothing. Eventually the squeaky little voice shut up and Leon responded.

He's here…yeah….last night….pretty late, about two…yeah….he's still here…" Leon glanced over at me, I looked at him worriedly but he shook his head. "He seems fine to me…yes officer….see you in a bit….bye." Leon flipped the phone shut and tossed it on the floor, leaning back against the headboard of the bed and closing his eyes.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Officer Brown…she said…that when she couldn't find you she went over to your house to see if you were there…when she came in she discovered…a body."

I shifted my gaze down to Leon's chest and kept it there, I knew what he was going to say next.

"She…she wants you to stay here until she can question you. She said you don't have anything to worry about if you killed him, you can easily prove self-defense…"

"It wasn't in self-defense." I whispered.

"What do you mean?" Leon opened his eyes slowly and looked at me. "You just, lashed out at him?"

I nodded slowly, feeling the tears come back to my eyes. "He….he killed my cat, no…mutilated him, and he said things…I don't remember what, but….something inside me just snapped, and I…I…" I think my eyes went black at theat point, from there I started to re-live what had happened, the sights, the smells, the feel of the knife slowly sinking into his chest, and the ease it took to pierce his heart. Memories I didn't know I had came back, of me slicing him up like he did to Tabby, and so much blood…

"Cloud snap out of it!" Leon's hand connected with my cheek in a fairly hard slap. It hurt, but it made me come back to reality.

"I….I…I killed him…"

"Yeah…"

My hand involuntarily twitched. I moved away from Leon's warmth and receded back into the shadows of the room again, staring at that hand. My eyes widened while looking at it and I started shaking.

"Cloud? He Cloud are you alright?" Leon had gotten up b now and was approaching me warily.

"Stay back!" I ordered, backing away from him again. I was up against the bathroom door now.

He stopped, and backed up some. "Cloud, it's ok…it wasn't your fault…"

"Like hell! Leon do you know what I did? I killed a man! And not just any man, my own father!"

"Stepfather…." he corrected.

"Does it matter??? Leon, I killed him! I took that knife and slid it through his ribs and pierced his heart and I _killed _him. That means he won't breath, won't walk, won't talk-"

"Won't beat you."

"Won't rape me."

Leon's eyes widened and he took a step backward. That single gesture set me off, sent me over the edge. He backed away, he hated me. I was filthy scum, even to him. I couldn't take this, I couldn't live with that guilt without someone to care for me.

I rushed into the bathroom and shut the door, locking it as I went. Hurriedly I started tearing apart Leon's medicine cabinet, trying to find a certain something, this had to end.

"Cloud?! Cloud!" Leon started beating on the door, his voice drifting through the thick wood. "Cloud baby its alright! Come out!"

"No!" I yelled. I had made up my mind, this was going to end now.

"Cloud listen to me, I love you ok? I'll never think bad of you, come on out and explain this to me. It wasn't your fault if he did that to you!"

"Shut up!" I cried. It wasn't in the medicine cabinet, so I started tearing apart the drawers, but it wasn't there either. Did Leon not carry any razors?

"Cloud, come on, come out here so I can help you, this won't to any good, at least unlock the door!" I heard him jiggle the doorknob, but I ignored it. I wasn't going out there, I had made up my mind, I was going to die like Sephiroth. I had him in me, I was unclean, I needed this to end.

The bathtub caught my attention, hurriedly I ran to it and started filling it with water, urging the water to go faster.

"Cloud?! What's that noise? Cloud? Answer me!" He began pounding on the door, trying to make me open it. After a moment I heard a thump, as if he had run against the door.

'_Is he going to break down the God-damn door???' _I thought. But I didn't care, I only needed a few more minutes…

The water filled up enough by the third thump, quickly I shoved my head in the water and tried to breath. My reflexes forced me to jump up, but my desperation and adrenaline allowed me to keep my head placed firmly in the water. I gulped down more water, trying as hard as I could to fill up my lungs. Panic rushed through me, and thinking became hard, but one thought stood out above the rest. '_I'm going to die, God, I don't deserve heaven, send me to hell, please.'_

The last thing I remember before passing out was the door breaking open and Leon jerking me out of the water.

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I sat in the emergency room waiting for the news, any news, of how he was doing. Cloud had done a very foolish thing, and I couldn't understand why he had tried to kill himself. I had thought that, with Sephiroth gone, he could come live with me and we would be happy. He seemed happy enough at first, but then he had freaked so much about it. He had said Sephiroth had raped him, I knew that Sephiroth had hurt him, but I hadn't know he had gone that far. Part of me was sad that Cloud had never told me.

My stomach clenched as I saw a nurse come ot of the hall and head toward me, was this the news I had been waiting for? Was this the news of Cloud's condition?

But she walked right by me to go to the coffee machine. The same machine I had visited almost 30 times in the last 7 hours.

"There's none left." I told her. She looked over at me and raised an eyebrow.

"What do you mean none left? We've had hardly any people in today…"

"I drank it all." I announced. She looked taken aback, but when she checked, sure enough, there was no coffee.

"That isn't healthy."

"Neither is waiting, how is he?"

"It's too soon to say sir."

I looked away from her. 7 hours and it was too early to say. How pathetic was that? Why couldn't they just examine him and tell me how he was? I was worried dammitt!

"Mr. Leonheart?"

My head shot up on it's own accord, my hand twitching around to grip my jeans. Must be all the coffee making me so nervous.

"What?" I asked anxiously, a doctor had come from…somewhere and was standing next to me.

"I'm sorry Mr. Leonheart but may I talk to you in private?"

My heart sank. Please don't let them tell me he's dead, don't let him be dead.

We walked into a private room to the side of the hall, when he closed the door, I was relieved to no longer hear the strange beep of medical equipment, or smell that sickening smell. I could see why Cloud hated hospitals.

"Mr Leonheart I think you better take a seat."

Oh no, not the seat thing, that could only mean bad news.

"I have some good news and some bad. Which would you like to hear first?"

"The good." I responded. I'd had too much bad news lately for me to handle, I needed some good news.

"Cloud will be alright, his suicide attempt failed. You pulling him out of the water saved his life."

My spirits rose. Cloud was alive, he wasn't dead!

"However…" My spirits sank again. "We checked to see how badly his other injuries had affected him. Though there is a lot of bruising and some internal bleeding, there are also some fractured bones, one such fracture is in serious danger of spreading, and it's located on his spine. To make matters worse, a piece of chipped bone has lodged itself into the crack, making it grow.

My eyes widened. "So…what happens if it grows?"

The doctor looked away, then back at me. "At best, he'll become a vegetable."

My whole body started shaking. All the good news was forgotten, this news was just too horrible. "Can you stop it?"

"No. it's too close to the spinal cord for surgery, he would only have a 5 chance of surviving it."

"So he's doomed." I said weakly.

The doctor put his head down and rubbed his temples with his fingers. "I'm afraid that isn't all. You told us that he said he was raped…well we had him tested for STD's and…"

"Oh God no.."

"He tested positive for HIV."

I know my mind overloaded. This was too much. Cloud had suffered enough, why couldn't he finally get everything he ever wanted? I loved him dammitt! And I know he loved me, he just didn't know how to say it. And now he was injured beyond repair, and if those injuries didn't kill him the disease would…

I cried. I know I did. The tears came uncontrollably. The doctor said nothing, but he did hand me a box of Kleenex. He put a hand on my shoulder and shook hi head. "Ill leave you alone for a few minutes, we haven't told him about his condition yet, but if you'd like to tell him you can. See him when your ready, he's in room 2-A."

I nodded and grasped the Kleenex as if it were my only lifeline.

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Cloud's room was small, and shared by another patient. When I walked in on him he was asleep, and had one of those IV things sticking out of his arm and the heart monitor attached to his chest. He also had the oxygen in his nose. Why did the hospital always do those three things? It seemed like no matter what the injury, it always got those three things.

I sat in a chair across from him and watched him sleep. He seemed so peaceful, and if it wasn't for the rising and falling of the chest I could have sworn he was dead.

Sometime around noon he woke up. I was almost asleep, but he woke me when he cleared his throat. I looked up and saw him glaring at me.

"You stopped me."

"Yeah."

"Why?"

"Because I love you."

"Bullshit."

I was taken aback. "What do you mean bullshit? You seemed to think that the other day."

"If you loved me you would have let me die."

"…" I didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want Cloud to hate me, but I didn't want him to lose his life over this, not that it would matter. I never got what I wanted.

"Cloud, why do you want to die?"

"I died a long time ago Squall."

I flinched at my real name, but I didn't hesitate. "What do you mean?"

"Do you know what it feels like to be raped nearly every day since you were six? Or how it feels to be beaten because you stayed out to long? I became calloused Squall, I lost my emotions back then."

"But you laughed in school and stuff. What about then huh? Those were real!"

"Were they? I honestly don't know any more. I laughed, I smiled, but inside I was dead Squall. As dead as Sephiroth is now. It was all just a mask."

"What about that kiss? Did that mean nothing to you? Was that just a mask? You cried on me Cloud, you can't ell me that was just an act!"

"…That was a different me, a different mask. I had so many they became a part of me. I can't honestly tell you which one was the real me."

"….I don't want you to die."

"I know you don't."

"….Do you want to die?"

"…..If I hadn't killed him, no."

"Why do you care so much about killing him Cloud? He was a bastard who deserved i-"

"Have you ever killed anyone?"

"…"

"That's what I thought. Everyone goes around singing a dirge and saying that it would be best for some people to die. But those people have never killed. I saw his eyes Leon, I saw the light behind them go out. There was life there, but with the swift cut of a knife it was gone. He breathed, and then he didn't. I swear I felt his soul leave his body. He was there, and then he wasn't. It was so easy, like blowing out a candle, only, it can't be re-lit. What happens when your candle goes out? Or mine? I sent him to something else, something dark. I never want to see that happen again. He was bad, but he didn't deserve that, he had a soul."

I stared at Cloud, stupefied. I couldn't respond to that. He had reason to hate Sephiroth more than any other person on the planet, and yet, he regretted killing him. No, not him, he regretted killing a person, no matter who they were.

"I'll keep your candle Cloud. I won't let it to go out."

"What can a candle gain by burning the last of it's wax? It gives out no heat, and the light it makes flickers. If the candle will go out anyways, what point is there in keeping the flame lit?"

"Because when everything is dark, sometimes those two candle's can make a bright light."

Cloud laughed, the first happy sound I heard from him, though I think it was supposed to be wry laughter. "We are talking about candles. Candles! I'm dying and we're talking about candles."

My eyes widened and I looked at Cloud with shock. "Y-you knew?"

He nodded. "The doctor thought I was asleep, I overheard him talking to a nurse. It looks like I get my wish eh?"

"I don't want you to die."

"I know"

"I love you."

"I know."

"…"

"I can't say it back Leon, you know I cant."

"I know."

There was a long silence between us, but we finally got around to talking of anything else. We avoided the subject of death, rape, violence, and hospitals. We didn't want to let him think about it. But eventually I was forced to leave, visiting hours were only for so long.

I visited him every day. Eventually I got sick of that hospital and it's crappy coffee. The smell of the place became ingrained in my senses, and I swear that now, every time I see that putrid color of green that marked the walls, I smelled that mix of disinfectant and bile.

Cloud's condition improved, as did his psyche. He didn't talk of death much, and our conversations turned to brighter things. But every time I brought up the subject of love we'd enter this awkward silence.

Cloud got into writing poetry while he was there. He'd ask the nurse for a clipboard with some paper and a pencil and he'd start to write. Most of his poetry was dark, but pretty good. I joked with him that he was becoming another Edger Allen Poe.

By the fourth week, the hospital staff knew me by name, I even got a free pastry at the gift shop. They all knew my relationship with Cloud, and they all felt sorry.

At least it got me a free donought…

----------------------------------------------

I was working at re-stocking the shelves when my boss suddenly called me over to the front desk. His face was grave, and I feared I had done something wrong.

"Leon.." he said. "I know you've been seeing a young man at the hospital. Cloud right?"

I nodded.

"Well….I don't know how to say this to you ..but…I just got a call saying………..he died 10 minutes ago."

My breath hitched and my legs gave out. My boss caught me and helped me sit down on the floor. Tears came to my eyes and poured out with no control. He was dead. My love, my friend, he was dead, and I hadn't been there. Oh God, he was all alone when he died.

My boss elected to drive me to the hospital, and we closed shop early. I was silent all the way there, and silent al the way to the receptionist. She handed me a leather-bound book, a gift I had given Cloud to write his poetry in, and a letter addressed to me. That confused me, so I asked her in a shaky voice what it was. She shrugged and said that he only said to give them to me.

I sat in the waiting room chair and read Cloud's words. The letter I opened first, it contained only a little bit of writing, and the writing was scratchy, as if his hand had shook the entire time he'd written it.

It read:

_Dear Leon,_

_I know I am dying. The pain gets worse each day, in fact, I think today may be the last time I see you. If I see you at all. There are a few things I want you to know before I die. The first: Don't mourn me. I know you are probably crying while reading this, but you shouldn't. My life has been hell since my mother died, and not even your love could have made my view of life change. The second: That night I spent in your arms was the best night of my life. I wish it could have lasted longer. The third: I'm sorry for all the misery I've put you through. And four: Please read the book of poetry. I've had a lot of time on my hands, and I managed to finish the last poem, the one dedicated to you. I hope you like it, and take it's words to heart. I really do wish everything could have been different, but I'm going to a better life now, and when you come to heaven to live with me, we can do whatever you want ok? Don't cry, it makes you look scary. Just smile and move on._

_Sincerely,_

_Cloud. _

Though the letter said not to cry, I couldn't help it (and neither can I, I'm crying too hard to read the screen…) Cloud was gone. My mind wouldn't accept that fact, even though Cloud obviously had. It was over now, and all I had left was the book of poetry.

I popped open the leather cover and read the first page, it was a small easy poem that I had read before. In fact, all of the pages held the words of my love. I slowly read every poem, ingraining the words in my soul. They were all precious to me, and I wanted to remember them forever. Two poems stuck out in particular to me, the last two. The frst one, Gravity, read:

_What keeps us bound to this earth_

_When our souls continually scream to leave?_

_We look up at the sky,_

_And wish that we could fly_

_Like those free birds._

_We wish to be unbound, to leave our fears behind._

_We want that freedom of choice_

_No one wants to be controlled_

_Yet our desires control our lives_

_Are they really free?_

_So many things are shown to us_

_Telling us what to love, and what to hate_

_Our choices are impacted by what we are fed_

_We can't get our own food_

_Their wings bind them._

_The very things that make us want to fly_

_Hold us down and keep us here_

_We make our own gravity_

_Because we fear to float away_

_They are doomed to the skies._

_When we close our eyes we dream_

_Of things we cannot have_

_Until we ignore what is around us_

_It causes our depression_

_Doomed till they die_

_When we free ourselves through our own expression_

_We will live forevermore_

_We meddle with our art, hoping for the freedom_

_When all we seem to do is taint it more_

_Until all things die_

_There is no true freedom from our world_

_Our stress and minds dig our own graves_

_Because we made this gravity_

_And we cant break those physical laws_

_No things, not even birds, are truly free._

And the other one was addressed to me, with no title. It read:

_Do not cry my little lamb._

_The wind will not stay cold._

_Do not cry my little lamb._

_For you are not yet old._

_You have a life ahead of you_

_A life that you must seek_

_Don't be afraid my little lamb_

_We haven't yet reached the peak_

_My precious lamb I will protect_

_From every danger here_

_I won't abandon my little lamb_

_For you are far too dear_

_Our long journey has only begun_

_Yet I am already nearly done_

_Do not mourn me little lamb_

_You have too see the next sun_

_Live on little lamb_

_And do not yet falter_

_I'll wait for you little lamb_

_When you come to the alter_

_I have seen your soul little lamb_

_And it is clean as the snow_

_And when you come little lamb_

_I just want you to know_

_That I love you more little lamb_

_With each passing day_

_Those are the words little lamb_

_I couldn't bring myself to say._

_**-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------**_

_**THE END!**_

_**R&R!**_


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